Warnings in February 2011

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. So I got on the elliptical for the first time in almost a year and I nearly fainted when I got off. My lungs were heaving so badly that I felt like a two pack a day smoker. Wait a moment, I was a two pack a day smoker only a day before I stepped on that sadistic machine. But the strange thing was that I didn’t want a cigarette. There was something about this magical environment that kept me from wanting. I mean how can anybody go wrong with a resort in a lagoon in the middle of Thailand? Surrounded by palm trees, geckos, birds of all kinds, water, and mountains; this place is genius. Wanting a cigarette that is. I couldn’t help but want to eat and to eat lots. It’s kind of hard to believe that the fat guy that I’ve become doesn’t eat very much, but it’s absolutely true. I’d eat only twice a day on festivals, most often I would eat once a day. As a friend once said, “Tim likes to drink his calories”. So here I am, the guy who used to suck away at over forty butts a day not wanting a single one, and there I am again, the guy who used to not eat at all now wanting to eat every animal in sight. So now as I sit here receiving all the SMSs from my two friends on the mainland, I find myself just wanting to be back there eating, drinking, and being merry. Mind you that I left off smoking because this year I’m really going to keep off of those things. But it’s too late now, and unlike the elliptical trainer which I abandoned two days ago, I’m on my sixth day of my fast here and I’m going to stick with it for another eight more. And the people I’ve met here are so nice to boot. Just the other day the front desk called my room to inform me that they were going to be cutting down a tree in front of my room for one day, and that it would be loud. Here I thought it was going to be like one of those jack hammer drills that we’ve all experienced at least once, but no, it was more like the sound of woodpeckers.  I kind of enjoyed it. They even offered me a free upgrade for all of my “troubles”, I stupidly declined.  But I don’t like doing those colonic irrigations in the least bit. That’s right, that’s where I stick that tube up my ass and flush a whole bucket full of slightly caffeinated water up into my colon. And we do them twice a day. The thought of freezing under my covers back at home seems much better than having any coffee up my butt. But I’m feeling good, and in only six days I’ve lost seven kilos. Has anybody got a light? It’s time to celebrate.

By Tim Hoerle