Extra Warnings 2

There are tons of new places opening up around town these days, and regardless of the quality of their food or drinks, or the prices attached to them, a lot of money is being spent in doing them up. Rent aside, these newbies have custom designed interiors, furniture, lighting, and even made-to-order staff uniforms which all cost mega bucks considering the fact that many of them aren’t just a new location for a restaurant chain.

Can you hear it knocking? Because of the sheer number of flower laden entrances next to a theater near you, many of them are looking for innovative ways to bring people into their doors. Hold an event. What better way than this to try your trade? How many times have people asked why you don’t open a restaurant? Why not go to one of these patina-free spots, and offer your services? How many We Chat contacts do you have anyway? And because football isn’t on every Sunday, what else have you got to do on the weekend? Alright, enough questions, and a few answers.

As a business owner myself, I’m more than willing to talk to anybody, as long as they give me a bit of notice, and they are determined. Tell the owner of the respected place your exact numbers, and show that proprietor your proof, i.e. your We Chat comments. Choose a time when they are particularly empty, and most importantly, give them an opportunity to make some pink ones. I, personally, like it when people tell me that they will let me sell drinks at our normal prices. Other laobans might want you to pay them a flat fee to use their place. And why not? Surely, you can either charge people an entrance fee to enjoy your efforts, or ask them to chip in. Just be clear to everybody at the onset. At the start, you’ve got to look at the long term effect. Remember that, in the beginning, before you’ve got a good following, you’re doing this thing for your benefit, and not to better the place you’re holding it in. And, I mean, you can do absolutely anything from preparing an appetizer, to doing a full blown out meal, to shaking up your own drink, to throwing on some new tunes. Hell, why not do a pot luck? There’s nothing more upsetting than seeing a beautifully done place that’s empty. That goes for the owners as well, but having said that, they do have to pay staff, and put their reputation on the line in case that event you hold is a flop, but it won’t be. After all, you’ve got more people you know than can fit at your kitchen table, now don’t you? Throw a few pictures of your event on your phone, and be sure to show everybody who missed the party. Hold enough of these parties, and people will begin to notice you, and you’ll be able to open the door to many other opportunities that are knocking. It certainly has happened before.

By Tim Hoerle

Extra Warnings 1

So this dude was sitting at the bar the other day when he said that he hates the fact that, “all Chinese girls have a lot of hair down there.” And I said dude, how many girls have you been with? Then I asked the girl behind the bar for a jisuanji, whereupon she just rolled her eyes at me. She’d obviously seen me do something like this before. So I lightly slammed the calculator on the bar, and said let me put it to you this way my man. If there are 7 million people here in Hangzhou, and let’s say that 45% of them are women, that makes 3.15 million women. What percentage of those women would you say you’d be attracted to? He said 10%, which of course means that he was trying to impress me, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, I agreed, and did the numbers, which leaves us with 315 thousand women. And then I used my trusty jisuanji, to do a little more math, and divided that by the number of days in a year which equals 863 women a day for a year, or rather to put into less Wilt Chamberlain-like terms, that’s 86 women a day for the next 10 years. Now dude, I told him, just because you’ve been with a few girls out in Binjiang, doesn’t mean that they represent all Hangzhou girls, let alone, all Chinese girls, so think before you speak now will you? You’ve got to look my friend because there’s got to be a girl for you. This cage is huge—to quote an old Chinese proverb—and it’s got all types of birds—no pun intended—in it.

It’s like I how I used to talk about the taxi drivers around town. I used to despise them all to put it lightly, but every now and then, I would find a great one, and then another one, and then one more. It got to the point where I was more often than not disappointed, but pleasantly surprised when that needle in the haystack appeared. And there are only around 16 thousand taxi drivers here in Hangzhou alone which equals, pull out the jisuanji, 5% the number of available women around town. I’ve seen women with shaved underarms, women who have Buckwheat in a headlock, women with a groomed downstairs, ones with Troy Polamalu in a jujitsu leg lock, a few who looked like they were trying to smuggle watermelons under their shirts, and others who made me look buxom myself. All, of course, before I met my wife. And what’s the problem anyway? Nothing a little trip to the bathroom can’t solve. It’s like asking the taxi driver to slow down. Though they might not always do it, on the rare occasion, they just might, do we really need to get that calculator out again?