Warnings in November 2007

And it was strange. I’ll put my warning up front this month and say that I’m right sometimes. It was a strange month. I said it would be last month. I told the driver that the ice had been ordered, and asked him if he would plug in the freezer. He did and almost lost his finger. Alright it wasn’t that bad, but he did complain that he had lost feeling in it. The whole box was electrified and the driver’s middle finger got a 220 jolt. The electrician showed up in his usual garb. He’s comparatively short, skinny, has a funny front tooth, speaks as if he’s inhaled helium, and wears this cool hat with an upturned brim at the back. If he were in L.A., he might get a record deal from some crafty promoter. The electrician has worked with a friend of mine for years. The ice didn’t melt that night. Then I got a text message. I didn’t have the number in my address book, so it was nameless. The guy got his foot stuck in a wild boar trap. He left the trap in my office, so that I could see it and maybe write something about it. Then I saw the thing. It was something out of the dark ages with rusty teeth big enough to snap a child’s femur in half. The mountain runner had somehow come out of it unscathed. It took them a couple of hours to get him out of the trap, but he has no scars to show his grandchildren. Weird. Like a left-handed shake. I hate those.

A friend walked in the door and that’s exactly what he gave me. You know how rude people do it. They turn up the pinky on their left hand and shake your right one? I asked him what was going on, and he showed me his right hand. It had a little bandage on it. So? He was playing the guitar the night before when the bass string snapped. He didn’t realize it, kept playing, and the end of the string punctured straight through his finger. As someone might do with an arrow, he just yanked it out and kept fighting his guitar. Then it rained so hard that water started coming down through the hole for the kitchen exhaust fan. How does that happen? Two new employees quit without any real explanation after only two days of work. Maybe I’m the strange one. I was told that I had to remove the old awning outside the third floor windows because it was making the street ugly, and if I didn’t do it in two days, I would be fined. I was thinking about how the hell I was going to arrange the feat when two construction guys I know just happened to pedal by. It was all done in one hour’s time with one hundred kuai. Now that I think about it, strange things happen all the time.

By Tim Hoerle