Warnings in January 2011

Okay, I might be a little too late here, but I’m making a wish list for 2011, and one of those wishes goes out to Mark Zuckerberg. Now that he’s out of town – he was here last month – my message might not reach him, but I thought I would give it a go anyway. All I want from the man is a million dollars, U.S. dollars, not Zimbabwean. I mean, if I had 4,000RMB in my pocket and a beggar asked me for 1RMB, I would give it to him right? Well, he’s got 4 billion dollars in his pocket, so why not float me an even million? If I had that much money, there are many ways I would spend it. I could buy 2 million pounds of tomatoes. I could employ twenty street sweepers for 41.6 years, or I could buy four Ferraris. That’s right folks, hiring twenty street sweepers for 41.6 years costs the same as buying four Ferraris. And that’s just for a stock version of the car. Recently, a Ferrari 599 was auctioned off in Beijing for 1.2 million Euros. I could buy 300,000 pints of beers with that. You see Mark, if you give me that money – Do you see how positive I’m being by using, “give,” instead of, “gave”? – I’ll spend it all on everybody, but myself. I’ll even get you receipts for it all. Maybe I’ll give it away to six million beggars, one kuai at a time. Hell, I’ll even throw in a couple of complimentary Chinese classes. Come on, dude. Have a heart.

My next wish is to meet Scarlet Johansen. How exactly could she not make her marriage to Van Wilder work out? I mean, they’re rich, successful, and cartoonishly beautiful? Why didn’t it work out? Are they worried their offspring will come out of Scarlett’s hoohah prepackaged in Mattel boxes? Why not suck it up and try not to be so needy? That’s goes for the both of them. Why exactly does a band like Oasis break up? At least the Beatles had a reason: Yoko. Suck it up, you uni-browed idiots. Can’t you just get along? Why can’t North and South Korea peacefully coexist? They both eat garlic by the ton, and speak the same language. Some kind of tough love mediation is needed here, and I’m the one to do it. Why can’t the Sunnis and the Shiites live under one roof? I mean they worship the same God, now don’t they?

My last two wishes are to lose the 25 kilos I’ve gained over the past two years, and to give up all the smoking I’ve done over the past sixteen. Now, compared to the first few wishes, these seem much more manageable. So with that, I’m off to Thailand once again. I hope you all have had, and will continue to have, a great holiday season. How many bunny rabbits do you think I could buy once I get that million?

By Tim Hoerle