Warnings in November 2011

It was a fine day to write the least. I got a taxi in less than ten minutes, and ten minutes later I was sipping on an espresso on the patio of my favorite French hangout. The weather was simply outstanding, but I kept asking myself if the table of dudes I was sitting with were being lazy or they were telling secrets because I can’t understand a word of French until this other guy from the land of grapes showed up and decided to translate everything that was being said for me. I would have rather not understood most of their boring conversation*, but was glad for being included. Then the drinking started, and the day was born. It was a Sunday. We had a whole day of sports ahead of us, so why not start it out with a few drinks? All of us then stumbled down the street to watch the World Cup to the roars of Allez Les Bleu only to be subdued a couple of hours later by the All Blacks. Good game needless to say. The night was capped off with Man.City destroying Man. United much to the dismay of our nearly famous sausage maker. Midnight approached quickly, and I was finally on my way home after a long day. As promised, I didn’t get irritated even as my taxi driver went through his third red light though I had to go through my mantra many times. “Don’t get angry, don’t get angry, they’re allowed to go through red lights at this time at night.” Before I could get what felt like two winks of sleep, I was awoken by the sound of car horns, and this time I had to ease myself with my morning mantra. “Don’t get angry, don’t get angry, they’re only loud dinosaurs screaming outside of my window.”

When I finally peeled myself out of bed I realized that I had a message from my friend from OZ asking me how much he should pay the taxi driver from the airport. Oh no! Had this day come already? This dude rocks up into town looking to party like Jim Morrison. Little do these people realize that I live here permanently, and that I have to accompany them on each of their trips back to the “good” life. Everybody comes back here looking to relive their glory days and I’ve got to tell the same stories again and again. Now don’t get me wrong here, I enjoy being in this special position, but it does keep me from leading a “normal” life. And to those who haven’t seen me in quite some time, yes, I’ve gained weight. And to those who’ve seen me more recently, yes, I’ve gained weight. And no, I haven’t changed my clothes in about five years, I just keep buying the same thing on Taobao year after year just a bit bigger each time. One day to the next and on this day it was raining and cold. Welcome winter.

*just kidding guys

By Tim Hoerle